We suspect that the ancient Egyptians employed massive slave labor, using wooden rollers and ropes, to move the stonework for the construction of the pyramids, and that the Easter Islanders used similar methods, with or without the slave labor, to transport and erect their famous moai, though exactly how either culture did so is unproven. The erection of the huge stone dolmens and menhirs of Stonehenge is more of a mystery, insofar as the stones are not all of local origin and their means of transportation over many miles is unknown. Closer to home, the cause of the movement of the “sliders” of Death Valley’s Racetrack Playa over kilometers is still debated, if only because there is no credible account of anyone actually observing the phenomenon, despite the telltale tracks that the boulders have left for all to see.
But there is now evidence that an ancient and secret Chinese cult may have been behind all of these hitherto unexplained mysteries! Wednesday’s sudden appearance of a massive round of a pine tree in the ground floor visitor’s area of the south wing of Ellison Hall initially “stumped” Geography personnel. Sure, we all knew that UCSB Facilities were removing some trees in the area—but how did this huge hunk of wood get teleported into the foyer of Ellison Hall?
Fortuitously, your fearless editor happened to notice that Beilei Zhang, our petite Management Services Officer, was acting strangely around 3 pm on Wednesday, September 16, 2010, and, being nosey, he grabbed his camera. Sure enough, he managed to catch Beilei in the act of sweeping up the evidence of her involvement with the apparition of the massive slab of pine wood! As you can see from the photo, the round of fresh cut, sap-laden wood easily outweighs Beilei. So how did she transport it? The logical conclusion is that Beilei comes from a long line of secretive and conspiratorial Chinese teleporters, movers, and shakers that go back to the era of megalithic architecture and that have been involved in an historic and worldwide conspiracy to confound modern science for centuries.
It is no wonder that our modern media is obsessed with poltergeists and things that go bump in the night. If you need further proof of Beilei’s complicity in this apparent act of teleportation, just watch her blush when you ask her about the phenomenon. And don’t forget that “There is science, logic, and reason, there is thought verified by experience, and then there is California” (Edward Abbey, 1927-1989) – and that 8% of the population of California claim to have been abducted by aliens…
Article by Bill Norrington (with tongue firmly in cheek – and apologies to Beilei)
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